Weathering the weather

By DAVID KITTREDGE
Recollections of a Renaissance Redneck
Whether it’s cold or whether it’s hot we’re going to have weather whether or not. This poem is an Americanized shortened version of an anonymous British poem of which will be included later.

Usually it is predicted that we are going to have a hard winter again in New England with cold, snow, and ice. Whenever I hear this forecast I think no kidding, what’s new? As far as I am concerned this a pretty safe bet.

I broke down and bought the Old Farmer’s Almanac a couple of days ago to see what they had to say about this year’s winter weather for the Northeast and low and behold they have predicted a mild and wet winter for the area. I am taken aback! They have stuck their necks out with this prediction. So far for the month of November they are wrong though as we have been and are going to have below normal and record setting cold. These folks make their predictions eighteen months in advance. Professional weathermen claim you can make an accurate forecast only a few days in advance and that probably involves a little luck. The basic problem with weather prediction is that our atmosphere is a fluid system and thus uncontrollable and unpredictable. An elephant sneezing in Africa could set off a series of events that could affect the weather in China and beyond. I know that I am exaggerating a little but I am only trying to relate how chaotic our gigantic fluidic weather system can be. Trying to get a handle on the weather is like trying to grasp water with you hand. It is difficult at best. I have heard on the news that the smoke from the fires in California is blocking the sunlight and as a result we in the Northeast are experiencing colder than normal temperatures now. This proves that when an unforeseen element is tossed into a fluid system things become even more unpredictable.

The Old Farmer’s Almanac claims to be eighty percent accurate with it’s forecasting but professional weathermen have checked their accuracy rate and claim that they are about fifty percent accurate. I like to put a note on the refrigerator with the almanac’s winter forecast when it is mentioned on the news in early fall and then I check it in the spring. It is often wrong. As a matter of fact the original publisher of the almanac, Robert B. Thomas stated that “it (the almanac) strives to be useful, but with a pleasant degree of humor.” I translate that to mean take it with a grain of salt. The almanac is filled with interesting facts and tidbits but accurate forecasts are not generally included.

Another bone I would like to pick is the downright audacity of Groundhog Day which is based on Pennsylvania Dutch superstition. Good grief! I feel sorry for the poor woodchucks that are involved. I say woodchucks because more than one is involved with this event happening in different cities and towns now. Isn’t one Punxsutawney Phil enough? Do we really need multiple venues carrying out these inane antics. I hope Phil bites one of those top hat wearing tipplers that surround him on the stage the morning of the event.

The important thing about February 2 otherwise known as Ground hog day is that on that date you should have half your woodpile left if you rely your wood stove for heat. That day marks the halfway point in the heating season. Yes, we have the other half of winter to live through regardless of whether the groundhog bites anybody or not.

One of my favorite winter weather icons was Marty Engstrom who gave the weather report from atop Mt. Washington for the television station WMTW Channel 8 out of Portland Maine. Marty would report the weather conditions from the observatory. He speaking very slowly in a very heavy Yankee accent would relate the seemingly fantastical Mt. Washington temperatures, wind speeds and windchill factors something like this. The temperacha is currently forty seven degrees below zeerowah, the anemometah readin’ is one hundred and fifty seven miles an owah, and the wind chill factah is seventy eight degrees below zeerowah. If you care to read the preceding sentence out loud and say it very, very slowly you will understand what he sounded like. At the end of his forecast he would paste on his characteristic full toothed smile. Marty was not a weatherman but he was actually an engineer who monitored and worked on the television transmitter at the observatory. Marty Engstrom retired in 2002 but he can still be seen on YouTube.

Here is the longer version of the poem stated in the beginning of the column. When said out loud it is a bit of a tongue twister.

Whether the weather be fine

Or whether the weather be not,

Whether the weather be cold

Or whether the weather be hot,

We’ll weather the weather

Whatever the weather,

Whether we like it or not.

Anonymous