Our Turn
By Jennifer Ucci
It is not always easy to tell if you are in an abusive relationship. Stereotypically, we tend to think of abusers as towering, angry individuals leaving bruises on their partners or children. We minimize its seriousness in our minds with dismissive statements such as “s/he isn’t being hit, so it can’t be all that bad.” The reality however is far darker. Emotional abuse is real and potentially dangerous.
“There was no rage, no demands, no obvious signs when we first met; he was charming, paid attention to me, flattered me. He was older, well to do, mature, quiet in fact. As the relationship evolved, he would start correcting me – the way I spoke, how I dressed, the foods I would eat. I took it all at face value at first. He cared, he wanted the best for me. I realized too late it was about control. He would never get angry, but if I forgot his wishes, he would punish me in other ways.”
Emotional abuse, like all abuse is based on power and control. It causes victims to second guess themselves. While the focus on physical violence is without a doubt necessary, it allows us to forget that emotional abuse and its lasting effects are real, marginalizing the experiences of survivors who suffer this form of domestic abuse that leave them hurt, without resources and afraid.
“My self-worth was constantly undermined. I lost track of how many times I heard I lack intelligence, common sense. That I was a terrible driver, an awful parent, how it was a wonder I could tie my own shoes. Every move I made, every action, even something so simple as cleaning dishes or putting away laundry, came with a criticism. I could never do anything right and over time, I was afraid to do anything at all, especially leave.”
The effects of emotional abuse are paralytic. Abusers will use intimidation, coercion, threats, blackmail, and mind games to instill fear. They isolate their victims from friends, family, work, or school. The abuser may stalk their victim, instilling paranoia, watching their schedule for any changes, searching their phones or emails, withhold access to phones or transportation. This leaves the victim isolated, stuck and constantly watched over.
Nearly half of all women and men in the United States will experience psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime. (CDC, 2017)
It is important to understand that emotional abuse looks different in every relationship. In nearly all reported cases of domestic violence there was also the presence of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is often an indicator that abuse will turn physical and it is important to recognize the signs before it escalates.
If you or someone you know may be experiencing emotional abuse or if you have questions about recognizing emotional abuse, Turning Points Network advocates are available 24-hours a day via our crisis and support line to listen, answer questions and provide support. We also have offices in both Claremont and Newport.
For more information visit us at www.turningpointsnetwork.org or call 1-800-639-3130.
OUR TURN is a public service series by Turning Points Network (TPN) serving all of Sullivan County with offices in Claremont and Newport. We provide wraparound supports for survivors of domestic and sexual violence, stalking and human trafficking and we present violence-prevention education programs in our schools. For more than 40 years, TPN has helped people of all ages move from the darkness of abuse toward the light of respect, healing and hope. For information contact 1.800.639.3130 or www.turninqpointsnetwork.org or find us on Facebook.
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