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Renaissance Redneck: Cricketeers are from Mars

By DAVID KITTREDGE
By David Kittredge

A few days ago I watched the movie “Million Dollar Arm” for the second time since its initial release in 2014. The film is a biopic of two Indian men, Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel, who won a reality show search for baseball pitching talent in India. The contest winners are then brought to the United States to learn the game of baseball with the hopes of eventually signing with a major league team. With the assumption of searching for baseball prospects in a country of over a billion people and then bringing them to America to play major league ball, it would seem that the odds would be in favor of such a scheme working out positively. But for the two Indian nationals who couldn’t speak English, who came from small villages where they lived in huts with their families and who had never played baseball before or even seen the game played, the culture shock was overwhelming. The two men were eventually signed by the Pittsburgh Pirates and pitched in the minor leagues but both their careers sputtered and neither ever made it to the big leagues.

One of the men had played the game of cricket as a boy but, I would imagine this was a further detriment to his development in baseball. The two games are such a dichotomy of rules and terms that I would expect a book endeavoring to compare the two sports could be titled “Cricketeers are from Mars, Baseballers are from Venus.” At first when I thought about comparing the two games it was as if two worlds were colliding in my mind and all that was left was a black hole, which probably wouldn’t surprise some of you.

As a boy, when I first heard that there was a sport named cricket, I immediately envisioned a game like hide and seek or Marco Polo tag being played using those little toys called cricket clickers that are annoying little noisemakers imitating the insect of the same name. Of course, I was way off base with my assumptions. I have recently watched segments of cricket matches on YouTube and my mind was only further boggled, probably with much the same effect on someone unfamiliar with baseball trying to understand that game.

Cricket was invented in England and it seems to be polite game in many ways that reflects upon the British society. I remember my father remarking about certain persons of English heritage, saying that they were “very British,” in his very bad British accent, not that he way being derogatory, but that he was just pointing out the fact that the person had very good manners and a good composure. In cricket, the batter isn’t called out by a screaming umpire announcing the fact to a stadium full of spectators as in baseball but, is rather dismissed. A cricket match is played in sessions which start in the morning and then play is stopped for lunch, which I presume often consists of cucumber sandwiches, sans crust. Afternoon play resumes and then is stopped for tea, how very British!, and then play resumes until stumps, whatever the hell that is, and the match can continue the next day if need be.

In baseball, if a pitcher wants to brush the batter back from standing too close to the plate, they throw chin music which refers to the fact that you can hear the baseball whizzing by your face. This pitch is legal in baseball. In cricket this same action by the bowler is called a perfume ball and is called such because the ball is so close to your nose that you can “smell” the ball and is considered an illegal pitch.

Chatter in baseball is a way to distract another player, usually directed at the opposing pitcher or batter. Most anything can be said, you just can’t swear or use the player’s name while razzing them. I remember when I played softball in a men’s league the pitcher we were facing came from a family of staunch Democrats, and just as he was winding up to pitch I yelled out “Hey I heard you voted Republican last year!” The comment was so nonsensical and out of place that he nearly threw the pitch over the backstop, as he doubled over with laughter. But in cricket, chatter, or as they refer to it, sledging, is considered inappropriate in most countries.

The game of cricket is peppered with absurd terms such as googly — called a curveball in baseball, dibble-dobber — a lack luster delivery by the bowler, pie chucker — a poor bowler, shelled a dolly — dropping a seemingly easy to catch fly ball, and snickometer — a television replay tool to check if the batter snicked or “fouled” the ball off of their bat.

But to be fair, our game of baseball is loaded with equally oddball nomenclature, especially if you are unfamiliar with the game. A pea thrower is a good fastball pitcher who can also be described as throwing aspirins because when ball is being thrown in the mid to upper ninety mile an hour range it appears to be quite small to the batter. If every base has a runner on it commentators might refer to this situation as the bases a are drunk, meaning the bases are loaded. A pitcher can break one off, meaning they have thrown a curve ball or if the batter hits a can of corn, this describes an easy to catch fly ball to the outfield.

As I poke fun of the game of cricket I don’t mean to diminish the great athletes that play the game, I only do so out of my lack of understanding which is multiplied by mind being ingrained in the sport of baseball.

As the saying goes, “How can a man with four balls possibly walk to first base?”

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