Renaissance Redneck: Steaks from space

By DAVID KITTREDGE
By David Kittredge

The other morning, I was browsing Google News for interesting articles to read when I came across the headline, “This company just grew meat in space.” I was thankful that I had read the headline on an empty stomach before I had eaten breakfast. But the headline had thrown my only-halfway-through my-first-coffee, under-stimulated mind into mild convulsions; so I marked the article “save for later.” While I ruminated on the idea of cultivating meat in outer space, the thought occurred to me that perhaps the astronauts had brought a kid goat along for the ride to nurture into adulthood. I was proven sorely wrong.

Aleph Farms, an Israeli company, has teamed with a Russian bioprinting firm to create beef steak on the International Space Station under zero gravity conditions. Apparently, the lack of gravity aids in the creation of meat grown from a few cow cells, as they fester in a broth of nutrients, by allowing the connective tissue to grow faster in space than on Earth where the process is impeded by gravity.

According to Didier Toubia, chief executive officer of Aleph Farms, slaughter-free steak is a better solution than using cows “as mere machines to produce steaks.” One of Aleph Farms’ goals is to produce meat with a minimal environmental footprint, or perhaps hoof print in this case. There has been political talk of doing away with cattle altogether because of the greenhouse emissions in the form of methane, most of which is produced by cows burping, which came as a surprise to me. Cows also consume copious amounts of water, an average of 24 gallons a day per cow. But I found that they expel all but 4.5 gallons of water per day in milk, urine and manure. As I try not to get knee-deep in excrement, cattle produce about a billion tons of manure a year, which the world needs for organic fertilize and is often considered as mere waste. With the rising cost of man-made chemical fertilizer, cow manure is now being referred to as “black gold” and is considered to be an untapped market by entrepreneurs who are hoping to become rich manure magnates by garnering and selling the bovine by-product. So, when it comes down to it, without cattle we will be up the chemical fertilizer creek without a paddle and we would have to rely solely on potentially carcinogenic compounds to nourish the soil.

Another interesting take on cow waste is that in India, cow urine is considered to be a curative that is used in the treatment of many human ailments, such as asthma, eczema and arthritis — just to name a few. I implore you not to try this at home or anywhere else unless it is approved by the FDA.

It has occurred to me that I have yet to read any reports of anyone eating the man made space steak. It’s said that the bravest person who ever lived was the first person to eat a clam. I feel that the first person to eat galactic flesh might well fit into this category of bravery also. Probably, the first human guinea pig to dig into a bioengineered cut of beef will be a very well paid spokesperson for the corporation that invented it. I look forward to witnessing the taste test, remotely by video, for my own well being, just to see the facial expressions of the taster and if any involuntary reactions emanate from their body.

Undoubtedly, when the advertising campaign starts up, the company will need a jingle or slogan to stamp into our minds like “mm, good,” or “TASTES GRRREAT!” But it would have to be more original, so how about, “No hooves, no tails that you don’t need, engineered beef is coaxed from seed,” or maybe, “Where”s the beef? It’s germinating, in a pool of goo, that’s where!” I don’t suspect that I will be hired to work on the advertising campaign.

Realistically, steaks grown in space would be cost prohibitive, so we will have to wait until laboratory earth-grown, bioengineered beef becomes viable. If the consumption of concocted beef ever becomes commonplace, we would need a new category on our household meat thermometers. It could read, “lamb — 145 degrees, poultry — 165 degrees, ‘franken-steak’ — cook the ever-loving daylights out of it then beat it with a hammer just to be safe.”

Can you imagine the aromas wafting from the backyard barbecue loaded up with bioengineered burgers?

I hope you can’t.