Renaissance Redneck: Petulance

By DAVID KITTREDGE
By David Kittredge

Ingrid Newkirk, president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) in the United Kingdom, recently announced that we, owners of pets — excuse me, fur-bearing companions — should no longer refer to our fur-bearing companions as pets, which can be construed as derogatory and insulting to the critters. Oh, the horror!

Newkirk also stated that “[Pets] are not your cheap burglar alarm.” No kidding. Has she made a trip to a veterinary clinic lately? As for the alarm part, that is one of the reasons dogs were domesticated in the first place — to help us humans with our peace of mind by giving us early warning by employing their keen sense of hearing to protect us. All creatures need a sense of worth to make them whole spiritually and mentally. Even the lowly chihuahua — lowly in stature that is — becomes worthy as it sounds the alarm by yipping when someone enters the yard, and should get a “Good dog” with a pet on the head in return.

The term pet being referred to is used as a noun or a name for our beloved companions which is derived from the verb, to pet, an action beings perform to bond with our fur-bearing companions. Thus we refer to them as pets. Shouldn’t PETA be more concerned with the fact that not all of our animal companions aren’t actually receiving attention or love by being petted with a pat on the head or a scratch behind the ear? I know that mammals crave petting, and this probably helps to build their self-esteem and confidence.

And lest I get careless, let’s not forget the Mexican hairless or Xoloitzcuintle (try that one on for size), Xolo (pronounced Zolo) for short, and its ilk such as the Chinese Crested dog. The Chinese Crested holds the honor of winning the World’s Ugliest Dog Contest many times, although the winners are not something that I would readily pet. There are also hairless cat breeds, which along with some of the hairless dog types look like they have wandered through a nuclear waste dump with very bad repercussions. Now, I know that looks aren’t everything, so I must point out that these hairless critters are considered to be hypoallergenic and are very useful for warming their owner’s feet while they lounge across one’s tootsies because the animal has no insulative barrier of fur.

While we are on the subject of hairless creatures, I am sure reptile lovers will insist that their anacondas, turtles or lizard-like entities enjoy being caressed, but I can’t imagine petting an anaconda on the head or tickling it behind its ear without dire consequences. Yes, snakes have ears, which are located just behind their eyes, but that is still a little too close to the business end of the reptile, if you ask me, to warrant petting. The anaconda is liable to react to the caressing, but not in a loving manner. Many owners of reptiles consider them to have magical powers, which provides an excuse for ownership, I guess.

If PETA is inclined to split hairs, or comb fur, which might be a more appropriate phrase, in thinking that the term pet isn’t a suitable reference for our critters, shouldn’t the acronym PETA, which implies the very word pet, be changed? Don’t fret, I have a couple of suggestions for its renaming, but I will leave it to you to figure out the acronym associated with the new titles using just the capitalized letters. How about renaming the organization “Human Oversight Options for Perplexing Labels on Animals” or “People Obsessively Opining Pet to Be Another Generalization,” instead?

The acronym PETA stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. What about referring to animals as animals, couldn’t that be considered derogatory? I mean, if we are going to comb fur, let’s drop that term also if we are going to be consistent. And should we use gender-related pronouns to refer to living non-human entities? We might refer to the female gendered warm-blooded animals as “mammary toting mammals” or MTMs and I will leave it up to you to choose a term to refer to the male counterparts, for obvious reasons. If the non-human entities are neutered, should we actually think of or refer to them as an “it,” which sounds a bit condescending. These supposed bad connotations can strung out to the nth degree, until we will enter into an arena of mental agility courses as we stutter through our countless utterings while trying to maneuver through hoops and tunnels imposed on us by those who feel they know best, my pets.