Renaissance Redneck: Lest we don our flip-flops

By DAVID KITTREDGE
As we roll out those lazy, hazy days of summer, many of us break the bonds of fully clad dogs and instead don our flip-flops — especially during our times of leisure. I, for one, used to join the multitudes and practice this freedom for the flesh, gleefully airing my tootsies in the warmth of a summer breeze. But these days due to the geriatric condition of all my appendages my feet have come to resemble a couple of petrified crocodile skulls complete with blue highlights. And as for my toenails, well we shan’t go into that as this is a family-oriented column.

Our government, on the other foot, started sporting its flip-flops rather early this year, back in January, as to its outlook on the ongoing COVID-19 crisis. It seems that the country of China was donning their flip-flops out of season as well, where probably most flip-flops are actually manufactured now.

First, we were informed that the virus came from the consumption of bats, and most of us in the West were convulsed at the very thought of chomping on the lurid creature no matter what the reason, medicinal, a love potion, or a drunken wager. Then we were told that the virus was manufactured in a laboratory while visions of Frankenstein danced in our heads. These two theories were flip-flopped for weeks on end and there is still no concrete answer.

We were then told in early January by the government of China that human to human transmission was negligible, so we could assume that unless you were actually slurping down bat broth soup, we were safe from harm. I realize that this take on Eastern cuisine sounds like hyperbole, but we must remember that in Asia another highly prized delicacy known as Bird’s Nest soup is consumed regularly. This concoction is made by steeping the solidified saliva of the swift’s nest, a Southeast Asian bird. Mmmmm, good! It is said that Bird’s Nest soup is good for one’s complexion. This sounds like a good opportunity for Neutrogena to try and make inroads into the Chinese economy.

The government of China just recently told its citizens that using bat guano in homeopathic medicine is now forbidden. It seems utterly ludicrous that someone would need to be told that. The situation is like the fellow who kept hitting himself in the head with a hammer, when asked, “How come you are doing that?” He answered, “Because when I stop it feels better.”

When it was realized that the novel coronavirus was in fact contagious, the run on toilet paper and facial masks began. The snatching up of the facial asks made sense, but the hoarding of toilet paper did not as this is a respiratory disease, which affects the lungs. We were then informed that we did not need masks unless we were health care professionals. I suspect we were told this so that regular folk would not hoard the facial coverings to the detriment of our doctors and nurses on the front lines.

With the impending mask shortage and the belief that asymptomatic carriers of the virus could infect large numbers of people unknowingly, we were told to lockdown and self-isolate. Most of us conformed and followed orders for the good of our loved ones and for the better good of society in general. But our senior citizens suffered greatly after catching the disease and being hospitalized until the government ordered them back, too soon, into locked down nursing homes due to the thought that hospitals were going to be overwhelmed with patients and the bed space was needed. Even as this happened the heads of nursing home told government officials that they were not set up to care properly for these elderly who had contracted the virus.

Between being pent up for weeks on end and headlines filled with conflicting information by experts who dithered to and fro, spouting presumptions without fully vetting the facts, the verbal clutter was feeding the impending frenzy. The pundits were looking like a bunch of Elmer Fudds with itchy trigger fingers. With the public quarantined, being told that they were risking their lives just to go grocery shopping, compounded with the shoot-from-the-hip messaging, the lockdown was becoming a tinderbox waiting to blow. A couple of racially motivated sparks later, the fuse was lit and the desperate began to sizzle.

Up until May 13 we were told not to congregate in groups more than 10 even when outside and even if everyone was wearing facial coverings and practicing sufficient social distancing, under the threat of arrest in some areas of the country. Twelve days later on Memorial Day, George Floyd was killed. The rioting started, the social distancing flew the coop and the pandemic morphed into pandemonium.

Just this week, the World Health Organization informed us that the likelihood of asymptomatic people passing on COVID-19 to others was highly negligible, only for them to back peddle on the statement and instead say they were still not sure if that was true or not. If in fact the first assumption were true, then the lockdown was not needed with the livelihood of millions of households put into jeopardy causing children to go hungry.

We are being confused and we hope that it is not being done purposely due to sheer political motivation, but only out of ignorance, which would mean that the so-called experts are not.

Summer is beginning, and it is time to relax outside as we enjoy those lazy, hazy days of soda and pretzels and flip-flops. That is flip-flops for those who are not pediatrically challenged. The corn should be displayed on a platter and not on the feet!