Lifestyles

Renaissance Redneck: Nonsense of taste

By David Kittredge
By David Kittredge

Earlier this week, rather than shopping curbside at my usual spot, I hit a different grocery store to take advantage of their meat sale. While in the store I remembered that I needed some coffee creamer, so I sauntered up to the dairy section looking for my usual half and half, which they were out of, but noted that they had a flavor I hadn’t seen before. I was shocked and my entrails did a belly flop into the kiddie pool, upon seeing this coffee creamer flavor, it was way too early in the morning to deal with the idea of birthday cake-flavored coffee creamer. I immediately whimsically wondered if the flavoring included the taste of birthday cake candles, smiling to myself, I hope.

When I got home, I googled birthday cake-flavored coffee creamer and found the answer.

The manufacturer describes the birthday cake concoction as follows:

“Surprise! We made you a birthday cake creamer. Pour yourself slice and celebrate the taste of sweet vanilla, yellow cake and of course sprinkles.” Momentarily relieved from my initial vision of candle wax infused coffee creamer, I googled sprinkles. Low and behold, sprinkles, also known as jimmies, are made from sugar, various waxy shortenings and bright artificial colors. My seeming nonsensical premonition was correct, this birthday cake creamer potion does include the taste of birthday candles or wax. My stomach just did a half-gainer with a twist, as my inner diving judges are all holding up scorecards with perfect tens. It’s unanimous!

I wanted to dive further into this phenomenon, so I googled “crazy flavorings for food” and I got a raft of stomach churning responses, which I would like to share with you, as I wax altruistic. Just keep in mind the scorecards being held up by your inner personal diving judges.

In America, we lead the way, as in the blind leading the blind, in outlandish permutations involving taste combinations. Here we have been offered Watermelon-flavored Oreos, Swedish fish-flavored Oreos, Cherry Cola-flavored Oreos, even Root Beer-flavored Oreos. On the Fourth of July, we can even celebrate with Fireworks Oreos, which are infused with popping candy, a confection that is infused with carbon dioxide gas which creates small explosions in one’s mouth. I wonder who is liable when an unsuspecting blue haired geezer is offered a Fireworks Oreo, unbeknownst to them? Sounds like the situation could be litigated in a court of law, doesn’t it?

Gumballs chewing gum have entered the world of zany with its Thanksgiving flavored gum to include cranberry, pumpkin pie and turkey flavorings. The first two choices seem logical, but turkey flavored gum? Oh, oh here comes another stomach leap, this time it’s doing a jackknife from the old 10 meter Olympic high diving platform. Score, a perfect ten, I would like to take this time to thank the judges for being so gracious.

Soda pop flavorings in the United States have taken an interesting turn of late as well. You can now buy Bacon Soda, Peanut Butter and Jelly Soda, Ranch Dressing Soda, Sweet Corn Soda, and Pickle Juice Soda. I even found sodas called Kitty Piddle, which has a mellow orange flavor and Worm Ooze, which tastes of an orange and kiwi fruit mix. I suspect these are named to catch the attention of children, boasting cast iron stomachs, unlike mine.

Potato chips have taken on wild and wacky flavors in the last few years mostly due to Frito-Lay’s “Do Us a Flavor” contests. Some of the more unusual flavors folks, some of which are probably pregnant, have cooked up are New England Lobster Roll, Fried Pickles with Ranch, Cappuccino, and Southern Biscuits and Gravy. Most of these choices strike me as being within the bounds of good taste other than Cappuccino. When it comes to potato chips, I am a vanilla type of guy, choosing to have chips that actually taste like potato, a novel idea this day and age, as I opt for low salt regular Lay’s.

The most outlandish taste combinations come from foreign countries probably due to cultural differences, which includes the training of the tastebud. Sticking with the subject of potato chips, an Asian company makes Octopus flavored chips, describing them as “tasty and salty and smelling of octopus”. I never would have guessed that the smell of octopus would have been a sensual benchmark reached for by any company.

In Great Britain, Walker’s has foisted such flavors as Cajun Squirrel, Chili Chocolate, along with Crispy Duck and Hoisin flavored chips or when in Liverpool, crisps, upon the public.

In Scotland, Mackie’s crisps have a Haggis and Black Cracked Pepper flavored crisps, haggis being a combination of sheep’s heart, liver and lungs, rendered into a pudding which is then cozily wrapped up in an ovine stomach. Speaking of stomachs, I think mine just wandered down Mexico way for the Acapulco cliff diving championships and it’s definitely afraid of heights! My inner diving judges have their hands over their eyes.

From around the world you can now indulge in such taste sensations as Bird’s Nest flavored soda, Orange Juice and Toothpaste favored Lay’s potato chips, Cotton Candy flavored Cheese Balls, Donut flavored Tic-Tacs, Pizza flavored ice cream and Seaweed flavored Pringles.

My inner diving judges now need inner diving judges of their very own.

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