Renaissance Redneck: Billionaire’s beans

By David Kittredge
By David Kittredge

As our federal and state governments shovel monies into both much-needed and unneeded projects costing billions of dollars, “minor” projects costing millions of clams are hardly noticed by the public and seem to be mere minutia to the news-caring public.

Our minds are being constantly bombarded by mind-boggling sums to where any reference to numbers less than a billion, such as a million or a few hundred thousand, seems to be merely chicken feathers. These inflationary numbers have osmosed into our everyday vocabulary in what seem to be a direct ratio to the real monetary inflation embodying our lives and our needs.

Back in the mid-1970s, we were introduced to the $100,000 bar by Nestlé’s chocolate with the catchphrase, “If you’re looking for something rich,” coupled with the jingle, “Oh wow, it tastes like a hundred thou., tastes like a lot of dough….” I recall when first seeing the candy wrapper with its bountiful name, I assumed that the price was going to be exorbitant. It wasn’t, it cost ten cents. Nowadays the $100,000 bar name and its connotations seems like a mere trifle when the six figure sum can be equated to a handful of plate appearances for a Major League Baseball slugger, who can be paid $15,000 for an at bat whether he is successful or not.

In sports videos covering outstanding plays, what used to be considered a one-in-a-million play is now referred to as a one-in-a-billion play. There are even videos claiming rates as high as a trillion to one and even a zillion to one, for the chances of an oddball play occurring. A zillion is a ludicrous number containing 1 billion zeroes, which would be appropriate if baseball had been played for a gazillion years or so.

These inflationary terms have even seeped into the names of food recipes. Millionaire’s Tarts with added ingredients have become Billionaire’s Tarts, apparently the multi-millionaire’s.

Tarts have been skipped right over as mere chickenfeed. I can recall the days when tarts were simply called tarts, with everyone being gastronomically fulfilled with bits of baked pie crust enveloping a dollop of fruit jam, before all these artsy tartsy shenanigans. And moreover, shouldn’t a tart, taste tart or tangy anyway? These highfalutin, spats sporting, top hat donning, money bag toting “tarts” shouldn’t be considered as tarts anyway because they are chocolate based, should be knocked down a million pegs or two and be referred to as pies.

Next, we have the inflationary situation with Millionaire’s Bars, Billionaire’s Bars, and last but certainly not least, Trillionaire Bars, without the possessive apostrophe, thankfully, because there are no trillionaires, as of yet, thank goodness. If and when the apostrophe is injected, we will probably no longer be able to afford to buy the confection, let alone the ingredients to concoct it.

I have even come across a recipe called Billionaire’s Beans, which is a souped-up version of franks and canned beans. Good old franks and beans, which might be served in a soup kitchen, a hobo camp or even on Saturday night in many households across these United States, probably wouldn’t fit the menu for a billionaire. So, although canned beans can be used in the recipe specified for the oodles of noodles money monger, cannellini beans are called for along with hot peppers, garlic, onions topped off with a bouquet garni containing a sundry of herbs and spices. I guess what the rest of us have been eating all these years would be considered to be “a paltry sum of beggars beans and frugal franks,” when judged by a billionaire.

As our vocabulary is bloated by these astounding sums, our psyches can be baffled and desensitized by these vast amounts, to where we merely glance over the terms as they are tossed about in news reports. Our government agencies financial doings need to be wrestled and dragged back by us, the populace, paring down the billions to millions before we are huddled over campfires struggling to heat our franks and beans, to where the franks just might have to be substituted by songbirds or woodchuck.

We must remember that government is not a producer, but instead a consumer, a leviathan with a hunger that cannot be quenched. And the big corporations should be held accountable by paying their fair share of the tax revenue.