Renaissance Redneck: Cheetos Anonymous

By David Kittredge
By David Kittredge

There has been a spate of crimes, as of late, across these United States, involving the snack food Cheetos. It seems that these cheesy criminals, who are obviously addicted to the fluorescent orange foodstuff, cannot control their cravings, taking an untimely snack break while on the “job.”

Other miscreants insist on sharing the Flamin’ Hot flavors with innocent bystanders and or tree climbers. Mysteriously, these cheese-dust-laden, finger-coating, messy snacks somehow have entered the world of crime often to the detriment of the criminal, by leaving a Hansel and Gretel trail of evidence, for the authorities to follow. These Cheetos dust particles are so hard to clean up, but addictively tasty that the eaters often insist on inserting their fingers into their mouth and sucking on said digits, often placing an unbeknownst smear of orange gloss onto the face of the slurping finger sucker.

You may have encountered this unsightly, otherworldly display of finger preening upon hearing the Cheeto devouring devotees, inhaling the spittle drenched powder like a wet vac siphoning the last vestiges of fluid from a linoleum floor. Meanwhile while you are forced to clap eyes onto to the horrid spectacle, unable to avert your gaze. Swark, swark, swark!

Back in April 2018, a homeowner from Louisiana, came home to find a stark-naked female intruder enjoying a soak in the bathtub, which was not the startling aspect of the situation. No, the intruder had sequestered a bag of Cheetos from the homeowner’s larder and was gleefully enjoying the cheese coated corn curls right in the bathtub. This devouring of Cheetos, whilst bathing, is probably a good idea considering the messiness involved in the eating thereof, just make sure it is not a “borrowed” bathtub where these shenanigans take place.

In another Cheetos crime caper, during February of this year, a woman broke into a Tulsa home through a broken window, while the family was at home. The intruder left without taking anything, but when police investigated the scene of the crime, they found an open, partially eaten, bag of Cheetos and a bottle of water near the broken window, apparently left by the intruder. Later, the intruder was identified and was caught “red handed” or in this case “orange dentured” due to the fact that she had the powdery residue of the cheese snack on her teeth. In a statement by the Tulsa police, it was noted that this was “A good reminder that Cheeto dust can be pretty hard to get rid of.”

The most outrageous criminal activity that took place involving Cheetos was when a women entered the spider monkey exhibit at the El Paso, Texas Zoo, wielding a bag of Hot Cheetos. Although it should never be done, it is not hard to imagine an onlooker becoming emotionally involved with animals in a zoo’s exhibit while observing the creatures, not resisting the urge to climb into the enclosure and then do so at their own peril. Monkeys are wild animals and can bite your face off if they are amind to. But for a human to climb in with a bag of Hot Cheetos, with the aim of feeding the animals, is beyond reason, it comes under the heading of heinous behavior. The perpetrator was a litigation assistant at a law firm, so she had at least an associate degree involving a minimum of two years of college, so mere stupidity could not be considered to be a valid excuse for her zany behavior. It was not known if the monkeys ate the Cheetos thrown at them. I suspect that if someone feels the need to enter and visit a jungle setting to feed monkeys hot cheese curls, that she should also be visiting a head-shrinker, for a little “me time.”

While we are on the subject of psychology, it seems that the aforementioned Cheetos criminals might have an unnatural affinity for the snack food and perhaps it is time for chapters of Cheetos Anonymous to be initiated. It might have its own twelve step program with promises such as never eating Cheetos in the bathroom, yours or a stranger’s, never slurping the cheddar powder from your fingers while in the company of others, or never feeding Flamin’ Hot Cheetos to any unsuspecting, innocent critters, including grandma.