Renaissance Redneck: There’s a sucker born every minute

By David Kittredge
By David Kittredge

The words of the famous circus promoter and hoaxster, P.T. Barnum, rang out in the back of my mind when reading about recent sales in the world of “art.”

More exclusively, we shall delve into the philosophy of l’art pour l’art, or in English art for art’s sake. This idea was seeded in the early 1800s, with the meaning that “true art” is neither didactic, moral, political or utilitarian, at least non-utilitarian in most cases, unless the object d’art has been created in a deep fryer, that is.

Italian artist Salvatore Garau recently auctioned off what he deemed to be an “immaterial sculpture,” in an admission that the sculpture does not exist. The $18,000 artwork is titled “Io sono,” which translates to “I am” first word is pronounced eye-oh. I would like to suggest a more apt title, “I ain’t,” which would probably be a negative connotation as far as promotional appeal, but at least, a more truthful moniker. The artist claims that the “work” “finds form in its own nothingness. “The vacuum is nothing (key word) more than a space full of energy, and even if we empty it and there is nothing left, according to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, that nothing has weight.”

Salvatore adds: “Therefore, it has energy that is condensed and transformed into particles, that is, into us.”

Hey Salvatore, all you have just sold to some sucker are some molecules and atoms, maybe for 18 grand you could have thrown a microscope in with the deal.

Furthermore, when referring to the “uncertainty principle,” one must remember that the key word is “uncertainty” in reference to the velocity and distance obtained by an electron, not the uncertainty of whether a work of art actually exists or not. Perhaps if the artist had described his artwork as a mobile rather than a sculpture, he could have gouged the unsuspecting, buying public for even more dineros. If I were the lollipop head that made the purchase, I would have handed the artist a paper bag full of air, in payment, tit for tat, and you can take tat to the bank! In the words of the venerable Tweety Pie, “I tawt I taw a puddy tat.”

In further news of the sculpting kind, a chicken McNugget in the shape of a cartoon character from “Among Us” sold for nearly $100,000. Granted it was merely an interestingly shaped chunk of deep fried breaded, boneless chicken something or other, but you don’t need the aid of a microscope to actually see it, which is apparently why it cost so much as compared to the Italian “electrons in motion sculpture.” The tooth or molar-shaped McNugget deal includes a packet of McDonald’s Szechuan sauce, due to the generous magnificence of the seller. The tooth shaped chicken nugget is guaranteed to be totally safe and edible by the seller upon receipt and thus probably not suitable for framing as mold would set in transforming your once transcendent golden colored toothlike nugget into a putrid green, Halloweenish prop. Hey that might just bump up the value when things go bump in the night.

If I had the urge and the uncommon sense to purchase a uniquely shaped chicken McNugget for some outlandish price I would probably opt for a chunk of meat shaped like George Washington. One such nugget was found and auctioned off for $8,100 by an enterprising mother looking to fund her children’s stay at summer camp. Other McNuggets shapes that have been successfully auctioned off are: Homer Simpson, Godzilla, and Jay Leno.

It’s a veritable gold mine out there, if you opt to dine at the Golden Arches, while hunkering over and inspecting your fried chicken pieces for any visage from Mahatma Gandhi, a bottle nosed dolphin, or the likeness of a raccoon hatted Davy Crocket, “Remember the Alamo!” Yes, you could possibly cash in with this crazy art world of non-existent digital NFTs and invisible sculptures, by auctioning off actual chicken meat. Hold the Szechuan sauce, you might end up hiding a Ringo shaped nugget. “Art for art’s sake” is our watchword.