Photo by Jonathan Sureau
The remainder of the National Day calendar is rife with nonsensical and fatuous celebrations which are as follows.
The first of April is applauded with the annual April Fools which surprisingly is celebrated by a total of 11 countries around the world. In Italy and France, children attach paper fish to unknowing suspects backs as a prank. In England and Ireland, tricks are only to be played until noon that day, otherwise the pranksters are themselves considered fools if they continue.
April 3 is National Find a Rainbow Day, and if you can’t actually find one in the sky, you are encouraged to draw or paint one. Here in New Hampshire, in early April, you would more likely see a phenomena known as a snow-bow, which is rare but does occur. On the fourth, National Walk Around Things Day is observed. This is good advice, particularly if you insist on staring at your smart phone while traipsing to and fro. The sixth day of the month is reserved for National Sorry Charlie Day, referring to Charlie of Sunkist tuna fame. On this day we are supposed to reflect on past rejections from lovers or firings from jobs. “Bleah, sorry Charlie,” but I’d rather not! Next is National All Is Ours Day, on the eighth. I don’t think so. On the fifteenth is National Rubber Erasure Day, which coincides with the normal IRS, tax return deadline. I’m not sure this was intended, but it sure seems appropriate. Hopefully the IRS will never adopt the aforementioned National All is Ours Day as their official motto. The sixteenth is haled as National Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day, for the sleepyheads, who will probably be observing National Sorry Charlie Day the next year, with fervent ardor, while still donning the old pjs. Next on the docket is National Sense of Smell Day, as I ask why are not all the senses being heralded? The last day of April lauds National Hairball Awareness Day, and though I realize hairball awareness is a serious problem for pets, especially those of a feline nature, I feel that many politicians on both sides of the spectrum should be checked for this issue, “Ahem!”
The merry month of May starts off with National Lumpy Rug Day on the third. I never realized this was an issue. I guess that depends on what’s under or rolled up in your rug. Also on the third is National Two Different Colored Shoes Day. I’m all in for this as I have always wanted to buy two pairs of Converse All Star sneakers, differing in color and then wearing one green sneaker and one red sneaker. And to think that I thought I was just downright weird and all alone in my longings. Well, it’s nice to know that I am not alone, at least. Six days later we have National Lost Sock Day. The obvious solution here is to celebrate this discrepancy in collusion with National Two Different Colored Shoes Day, taking the attention off of the mismatched socks by the glaring diversity of the shoe choices. The sixteenth of May brings us to National Piercing Day, to which I must admit, that the only piece of meat I want to pierce is with a shish kabob skewer for the barbecue. On the twenty-seventh, National Cellophane Tape Day is touted, but shouldn’t this be celebrated a day or two before Christmas when reams of the stuff are used to wrap gifts?
On June 2, we happen upon National Bubba Day. You might think of me as being biased, but shouldn’t this celebration be regulated to parts of the U.S. south of the Mason-Dixon line? The eighth of June proffers up two celebratory days, National Name Your Poison Day and National Upsy Daisy Day. Perhaps folks would be better served observing Upsy Daisy Day the day after National Name Your Poison Day, after you have named and have drunk your “poison” or booze laced cocktails. The eighteenth brings us to National Flip Flop Day, which at first glance, I presumed referred to politicians and their meandering positions on hot button issues. Apparently, the day is set aside to herald the wearing of sandals. June 21 commemorates the National Day of the Gong, on which you are encouraged to learn to play the instrument. Are we expected to pay a gong master to teach us to play a gong? How difficult can it be, you hit the gong, wait a few seconds for dramatic effect and then hit the gong again, pause and repeat, ad infinitum.
With July we have National Get Out of the Doghouse Day on the seventeenth, much to the relief of husbands across the nation. The only problem with this yearly occurrence is that after the seventeenth it’s going to be a long year for many dog-housed hubbies with dogged better halves. On the thirtieth of the month, we can celebrate National Get Gnarly Day, in an homage to surfer dudes, which includes wave riders of all sexes these days, man.
August brings us National Underwear Day on the fifth, which I hope will never morph into National Wear Your Underwear on the Outside of Your Clothes Day, due to years of celebrating merely wearing undies in the boring old-fashioned way. We move on to National Fresh Breath Day on the sixth, when fresh breathers across the nation wield their toothbrushes and Listerine bottles in public places while shouting pro-dental slogans. Well, maybe not so much. On the thirteenth we can celebrate National Blame Someone Else Day, which I believe has become a year-round mantra. The twenty-seventh offers up National Just Because Day, just because.
Winding up with the month of September, we find National No Rhyme nor Reason Day, to salute words that cannot be rhymed easily such as orange, silver, month, spirit, purple, etc. On the twenty-fourth we can party down with hilarious frivolity, National Punctuation Day! Fortunately, I had a sophomore English teacher, Rodger Grenier, who did somehow make learning punctuation fun, which helped all his students through the drudgery. Last and certainly not least, on the twenty-seventh of September is National Forgiveness Day, a sense that many have forgotten, which we desperately need to recall in these times.
David Kittredge is a regular contributor to the Eagle Times. You can send comments to him via the editor.
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