Survivors tell their stories of domestic abuse

By Eric Blaisdell
TIMES ARGUS
BARRE, Vt. — Survivors of domestic abuse shared their stories with lawmakers as part of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Circle, a nonprofit serving victims and survivors of domestic violence in Washington County, held its monthly coordinated community response meeting with stakeholders Wednesday over Zoom. Those in attendance included members of law enforcement, the State’s Attorney’s office, the Department of Corrections and the Department for Children and Families. Also in attendance were Rep. Maxine Grad, D-Moretown, and Rep. Mary Hooper, D-Montpelier.

The legislators were there to hear from survivors of domestic abuse and how the current system is impacting them. The Times Argus is publishing limited identifying information about the survivors due to concerns for their safety. Some of the survivors said they still have contact with their abusers because they have children together and share custody.

Diane Kinney, co-director at Circle, said her organization does a good job talking to people about the “red flags” associated with intimate partner violence and how unsafe it is to leave. Kinney said they do a good job helping people to heal and regain their lives. But she said they haven’t been great about communicating how the systems currently in place don’t work for them.

“In the last month, I’ve talked to so many survivors who are just flabbergasted that the system is not working for them, that that horrible, awful thing that happened to them is not illegal, that getting a relief from abuse order can be really difficult and that the issues that they face are really challenging after they’ve left. Trying to get housed. Trying to figure out custody of their children. Trying to get food stamps when they have no income. All of those community systems often do not work for survivors,” Kinney said.

She said her organization needs to do a better job helping people understand that and Wednesday’s meeting was part of that effort.

Eliza Cain, a court advocate at Circle, read a letter from a survivor. The woman said asking a survivor why they didn’t just leave their abusive relationship is like “asking a caterpillar, ‘Why don’t you just fly?’ Not ready, not the right time, not safe.”

The survivor said that doesn’t mean they haven’t wanted to or thought of leaving. She said asking a survivor “Why don’t you just …” is insulting because it assumes the person is stupid and hasn’t thought of the obvious.

Even when they do leave, she said survivors aren’t safe for years afterwards. She brought up the murders of Courtney Gaboriault and Julie Fandino, two women who left abusive relationships only to be shot and killed by their former partners. The men involved in those cases then shot and killed themselves.

“They were out and living their lives, and then they were murdered,” the survivor said.

She said she didn’t “just leave” because she and her partner were in a lot of debt. She said the assets they had were all in his name so if she were to leave, she’d be saddled with half the debt and none of the assets.

“That would make you think twice,” she said.

She said the abuse she suffered was mostly mental so there were no criminal charges against him. She said they had a child together, and she was told her child would almost certainly have visitation with his father. She said she was scared to be with her abuser even when he was being nice because she never knew when he would “blow up.”

She asked, “Why would I think it OK to send my 12-year-old there to visit him without me?”

Another survivor said she didn’t realize she was trauma-bonded to her father and how that was impacting her until after she got out of an abusive relationship. She said her mother was also abusive and this trauma made her an easy target for abusers.

The survivor said she found herself on a dating site and talking with a man from Vermont. She is from the United Kingdom. She said he started “love bombing” her, giving her attention and mirroring things she was saying so she felt like they were soulmates.

“For somebody who hasn’t really experienced that sort of intimacy and love, it’s really intoxicating,” she said.

The survivor said her abuser convinced her to move to the United States with the promise that they would be married so she didn’t have to worry about her immigration status. She said her abuser owned a farm and despite having a doctorate degree and being an English speaker, she found herself essentially trafficked and placed into indentured servitude on her abuser’s farm. She said her abuser would hold her immigration status over her head to keep her from leaving.

The survivor said the farm had a butcher shop, a lot of land and pigs. She said her abuser, who had two guns, would tell her he had the ability to dispose of bodies.

She said she was eventually able to get out, with the help of Circle, but she’s learned her abuser has a new partner living on the farm with him.

A survivor identified as “J” said she and her abuser married young and divorced, but they stayed together after. She said her abuser had a disability and that contributed to her not wanting to leave him because she would feel guilty if she did.

J said it took 10 years of planning before she actually left her abuser. She said her and her abuser have children together.

She said when she went to police they made her feel crazy. She said she would be crying in those instances and she wouldn’t know what police would do with her abuser. J said she didn’t know what she would tell those around her.

“It’s not like you can just go to your neighbor and tell them, ‘Yeah, I put a restraining order on my children’s father,’” she said.

J said every time she tried to leave her abuser, the system would tell her she was doing something wrong. She said she didn’t have any financial security so she had to apply for food stamps. She fought back tears while describing the shame she felt when applying and how she felt as if she was saying she’s not worth anything. She said filling out court paperwork made her feel that way as well.

“You feel every time you fill out those forms how everything is against you,” she said.

She said she got a relief from abuse order against her abuser and whenever he would violate that order she would call police, but it would take a lot out of her to do so.

Erica said her abuser was a police officer. She said the abuse she endured was emotional and psychological, and while she knew it was wrong, she didn’t feel safe reporting it and tried to fix her abuser instead. She said she didn’t reach out to police for help until the abuse became physical.

Erica said because of her abuser’s background, he was well-versed in domestic violence cases and was careful not to leave any bruises or marks on her. She said that made the assault difficult to prove.

She said she couldn’t get a relief from abuse order against him because that would limit his ability to do his job. She said the state’s attorney’s office and the law enforcement agency he worked for worked to protect him, not her.

“So the abuse continued. The stalking, the abuse would continue,” she said.

Lisa said she developed an addiction to opiates after breaking a bone. She said her abusive partner helped feed her addiction because he was also a drug user.

She said at one point, she had a bad reaction to mixing an opiate with alcohol, fell and hit her head.

Lisa choked up talking about waking up and not being able to feel her body, though she could see and speak.

“I begged him to call 911. I begged him to get me help because I couldn’t move, and I was afraid I was dying. He didn’t help me because he was afraid that he would go to jail for giving me the drugs,” she said.

She said she eventually passed out, and when she woke up she was able to move again. She said that was just one of the times where the relationship could have cost her her life. Lisa said she then decided to leave her abuser because she didn’t want her children to know she left the world as a drug addict in an abusive relationship.

The legislators thanked the women for their stories.

Grad said she wants to know what’s working and what isn’t. She said they may need to revisit laws that have been passed or new laws might be needed.

“Your work is very much a priority of mine,” she said.

Hooper said the women’s stories were powerful, but sadly not unfamiliar. She said she’s been hearing about barriers to access for survivors, and she’s paying close attention.

Kinney said she wanted to have outreach events like Wednesday’s quarterly, instead of only in October, so people are aware of what the needs are on a regular basis.

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