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Renaissance Redneck: Flirting with ether

Provided by Sonantic
At AI sound developer Sonantic, scientists — not as yet described as mad — have developed an AI generated voice that feigns emotions as it breathes and “tee-hees” during conversation. As the computer voice carries on in a coquettish manner, giggling and sighing, the computer generated image asks annoying questions such as “Could you ever love me?” from the privacy of your phone or your computer. The question then begs: are your phone or laptop insurance payments currently up to date? The next question: how can I make this look like an accident?

Along the same vein, while visiting a friend a few months ago, I could hear a female voice, other than my friend’s, while she was on the phone, in another room. When my friend ended her conversation, I implored if her house was haunted? I then explained that I swore I heard a voice coming from the second floor.

She explained that the voice was coming from the fire alarm and that it wouldn’t shut up, often keeping her awake at night with its infernal blatherings.

We decided that it was time for the blabber-mouthed fire alarm to be extinguished. As I carried the insidious, mind invasive, contraption to my three quarter ton truck, I happened upon an idea. I placed the still jibber-jabbering alarm behind the back wheel of my truck and backed over it. Then, in an act of sheer maniacal depravity, I drove forward over the device. When I jumped out of my vehicle to retrieve the squished, hopefully hushed gadget. However, it was still talking, not in its former manner, but in a meek, anguished, slow voice of defeat. I was stunned, taken aback by the dramatic change in its voice, so much so that I laughed all the way to the disposal site.

In other news of the ethernet kind, you can now buy “real estate” in the Metaverse. The Metaverse is a virtual-reality space in which users can interact with other environments and people accessed by a computer, smartphone, or similar device.

One example of “real estate” being bought and sold was developed by a company called Republic Realm which has created 100 “Fantasy Islands,” complete with villas, boats, and jet skis for your frolicking imagination. One nice thing about purchasing and cavorting on a virtual paradise island is that there is no worry of getting a sunburn or for the need of wasting money on sunblock. Ninety of these virtual or almost islands were sold for $15,000 a pop in the first day of sales, with a few being offered now for a resale price of $100,000 per each.

Here I would like to point out the obvious: Metaverse “real estate” is an oxymoron. The Metaverse is not real, so how can it contain real estate? What’s next, someone offering to sell a computerized version of the Brooklyn Bridge? Perhaps this scenario is too obvious, considering that the con job is a century old.

Here is another thought. If you are looking to escape, why not get outdoors — in the real world — for some fresh air?

David Kittredge is a regular Lifestyles contributor to the Eagle Times. You can send comments to him via the editor at [email protected].

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