Clouds Full of Grief

Photo Provided by Becky Nelson
With the newscast full of mourning, vigils and a funeral after the death of Queen Elizabeth II of England, I can’t help but think of my mum. She may not have been legitimate royalty, but she was truly the matriarch of the family and a queen to all of us who loved her. When her husband Prince Philip died last year, I couldn’t help but remember my own father and empathize with those mourning the prince’s death. I imagine that many here in the states who watched the vigils and funeral this week who have lost someone close to them was flooded with remembrance and some soul-aches just as I am.

The pain of losing someone close to your heart never really goes away, I have found. Loved ones lost decades ago still come to my memory frequently and I try to focus on the love and fun we shared rather than the grief and hurt of losing them. Sometimes a whiff of perfume, a song, a remembered event, a scene, a game, a sunshiny day or a cloudy one…anything can spark a remembrance of that loved one. You can experience an exciting moment or a stressful encounter or forget a recipe or need something fixed and remember your mom, your dad, your grandparent, sister, brother, husband, wife, or anyone who has passed beyond your touch and your voice. You might even reach for the phone before you come to the realization that the phone call would go unanswered. Grief is hard, and it can last a long time, or indeed never go away. How we handle the grief and the missing of someone gone is different for each and every one of us, and there is no shame in letting the tears flow when you think of them.

I imagine that even if the family threads are a bit frayed in the royals, they probably feel as I do and will. There is an empty spot that can never really be filled. I often wish I could sit beside my dad again and hear his funny stories, his tales of the past and interesting assessments of the daily events. I often wish I could sit beside my mom again and take in more of her wisdom as I ask her advice, hear her sing again, give me another hug and tell me everything will be okay. Instead, I find myself behind the wheel now as the oldster, steering the family ship, enjoying days with my own grandchildren, reaching back for some past insights and experiences to make the hard decisions and seek to take the right path.

Something my mother always said sticks with me in a poetic and philosophical way almost every day. When she looked at a clear blue sky with the sun shining down with no cloud to shield from its rays, she would say…” I miss the clouds. A cloud or two makes the sky more interesting.” I could never disagree, as I feel the same in the literal sense. We would lie on our backs in the grass as kids, looking up at the sky and trying to discern different shapes…hey, that looks like an elephant…look, look…a duck! It was a perfect family bonding moment, and our imaginations would take us up into those clouds. I’ve done the same with my own kids, and I plan to with the grandkids. As I have aged, I still find myself finding figures in the sky and seeing whales and fish and horses and bears. Even this week, I stopped beside the road to take a photo of a dragon in the sky. But these clouds also hit me in a philosophical way. I wouldn’t want a boring, humdrum life with no changes and no challenges. The clouds in my everyday life make the travel along the path of life more interesting. Some are challenging to the point of storms, and some are just filters for the sun that will eventually shine on through. My mother was a wise woman.

The royals and the British empire miss their Queen and the Prince who passed before her, but the sun will shine, and the new King will work to continue her legacy and break a path of his own making. As the closest ally of Great Britain, we feel a little bit of their pain and angst. Change is hard, and the clouds can become overwhelming. Here on the farm, we miss my parents…our king and queen, but we will

continue to work to honor their legacy and clear our own path. Whether a bright sunshiny sky or a sky filled with interesting clouds, our days will be blessed just for knowing, loving and enjoying their company. My sincere wish for all of you grieving and missing someone is that you can come to an understanding with your own grief and that it may become a cloud in the sky that makes your days more interesting, and the remembrances of those loved ones lost will be the peek of sun behind the clouds.

Becky Nelson is owner of Beaver Pond Farm in Newport, eighth generation in a multi-generational farm that was established in 1780. She can be reached at [email protected].