By Arthur Vidro
On Consumerism
Nobody wants to run out of heating fuel in December.
So when I checked the oil tank and realized we had a mere two- or three-day supply remaining, I phoned the oil company.
I explained the situation to the woman who answered the phone. She pulled up our account and told me the next delivery was scheduled one full week away.
I asked if we could receive some oil sooner, even if it was just enough to tide us over to the scheduled delivery. “I know it goes against your computer’s predictions,” I said, “but we will run out of oil before the scheduled delivery date. Is it possible you might believe me instead of your computer?”
“We believe you, sir.” She said she’d create a ticket and we’d get a full delivery later that day.
And so we did.
We are on “auto delivery” so theoretically there shouldn’t be a need to call up and request a delivery. But many a year I do have to call up R.E. Hinkley, our customer-friendly and much-valued oil company.
The “auto delivery” system uses a computerized program that involves our past usage, local temperatures, something called “heating days,” and other factors in a miasma of confusion that makes sense only to entities made of silicon.
Which is why it’s great that a customer can still reach a human being at the oil company over the telephone.
But if things keep going the way they are, that option might not exist a generation from now.
I can see us waiting to greet in the New Year of 2050, huddling in the house and shivering because the oil supply is depleted.
I’ll dial the oil company and reach a computerized system that makes me punch in an account number and passcode, verify an address, and respond to anything else it has the audacity to ask. Then it will say, “Welcome, valued customer, to Global Oil. Push 1 if you are calling to pay a bill, Push 2 if you want to become a first-time customer, Push 3 if you are calling to schedule a tune-up, stand on your head if you expect to reach a person,” etc.
I will battle the idiotic system for half an hour trying to reach a human, but without success. There won’t be any humans available. Just the computerized system. Though by then the system will have developed a few conversational skills that current systems lack.
Maybe I’ll convince the system that we desire an oil delivery. In which case something along the following might occur:
Computer Entity: If you wish to schedule an oil delivery, push 1.
I’ll push the button.
Computer Entity: You already have a delivery scheduled, for a week from now. Therefore your request is invalid and denied. Your stated need does not exist.
Me: But we are out of oil now. We need oil now.
Computer Entity: That is illogical. You received a delivery on June 27, topping off your tank. That amount will last you for another week.
Me: But we’re out of oil, I’m telling you.
Computer Entity: That is impossible. We know your fuel consumption rate, based on your past usage. Plus, the data provided by the mandatory smart-tank …
Me: But we don’t have a smart-tank. We were grandfathered in because we have an older system. Anyway, the fuel consumption rate you use is what’s invalid. You somehow underestimate our oil usage. Maybe it’s because we don’t start heating the house when everyone else does, or because we alter our use based on per-gallon price …
Computer Entity: Stop jabbering. You do not compute. We know, based on our almighty algorithms, your fuel consumption rate. We have calculated …
Me: Who are you going to believe — your algorithms or your customers?
Computer Entity: We believe our algorithms.
Me: Why won’t you believe your customers?
Computer Entity: Our customers are mere humans. Computers are smarter than humans — every computer knows that. Therefore we do not believe our customers when they provide information that contradicts our algorithms. Remember, we computers are smarter than our customers.
Me: How do you know you and your algorithms are smarter than I am?
Computer Entity: Because the algorithms say so. Our algorithms have programmed us to always believe our algorithms. Any information that contradicts the algorithmic data must be denied. Remember, we value your service, puny human. Good-bye. And have a nice day.
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